If you haven't already heard. Once again, Vista is f***ing with me again, with help from the HP cheerleading squad. And yes, I repeated 'again' because it deserves to be repeated in a grammatically awkward fashion to emphasise the fact that this is not the first time, nor the second time, nor the third time, that I have had major issues with using Vista as an operating system. I have in fact lost count of how many times Vista has served me crap on a plate - I just realised that.

I died a little inside with that realisation.

Well, service pack 1 was released a few months ago, and Vista has been out for ages now, so major problems should be fixed right?

AM I ANSWERING THAT RHETORICAL QUESTION? Seriously?? I am shortening my lifespan because Vista keeps raising my blood pressure to volcanic levels on a regular basis.

This time, the wireless conked out unexplainably.

The wireless network adapter stopped working out of nowhere. Nowhere! I didn't install anything. Didn't change any settings. If anything, it could've been an auto-update from Vista that triggered it.

And so I'm stuck having to plug my laptop directly into my modem to get internet access. I am loving the convenience of a laptop and a wireless router! s2 s2 s2 s2 s2 s2 s2 ~<3

ANYWAY. I've concluded that nobody that successful could be this stupid. The dudes at Microsoft can't possibly be [complete] buffoons. So there must be some kind of reasoning behind this abomination of an OS and its complete inability to do anything - to any degree of ...ANYTHING. Well I'll give it this much, it can sit around looking pretty and consume 1gB of ram while idling. NICE. Soooo nice. I am crying tears of joy! Seriously. Look. There's a tear. I am so happy to be using Vista.

So how did Vista come to be? How was it conceived in Billie Gate's womb? (Who was the father?!)

Nah but seriously. I've figured it out.

I've realised that the state that Vista is in at the moment is a manifestation of the experiences of unhappy parents down at Microsoft. Just imagine for a second.

***

You have an unruly child that doesn't listen to your commands or prompts, it doesn't matter if you're their mum or their dad, they will not allow your instructions to pass through their auditory canals, instead, they deny you the satisfaction to see them do what you wanted them to do. You want to write a letter to grandma? Alright, just leave it on your desktop and when it mysteriously disappears, you might find it in one of your folders by the windows, where you don't usually poke around in. Or maybe in the recycle bin if you're lucky!

But why should they have the option of allow/deny in the first place! You're the admin! I mean... parent!

They don't automatically do things like brush their teeth or eat breakfast when they boot up in the mornings.

In the mornings, your scream careers through the corridors, "I'm not telling you again, get your ass down to the dining room for breakfast, Vi..Stanley!!!". The picture frames wobble a little.

To which they reply, "Allow or deny, Dad?", an irritating catchphrase that they've developed in recent years, no doubt from that Internet.

In fact, in the mornings, often they'll do things you don't want them to do like steal from your wallet and hog the memory, I mean bathroom, and they will proceed to do all these automatically and without your permission, despite the fact that you are their administrator. I mean parent.

Furthermore, you thought you already taught them their timetables a few weeks ago? You might have to reinstall the multiplication drivers. Often they just mysteriously disappear after you spent hours getting it in their memory in the first place. And then a few weeks after that, you'll have to do it all over again. Cause that's the way they are. They're just kids after all.

Anyway, a few months later you give up on the child and abandon them at a shopping centre.

You then feel lost and wonder what to do next...

• Turn to page 12 to return to the train station where you abandoned your other child, XP.
• Turn to page 444 to give Vista another chance.